Thursday, March 17, 2011

Who Would Win in a Fight, a Zombie or a Shark

Who Would Win in a Fight, a Zombie or a Shark?

Initially, this seems to have a very simple solution: it depends on the environment they’re in. To elaborate, if the shark is on land, it seems the zombie would win, and if the zombie is underwater, it seems like the shark would win. However, it’s not that clear-cut.

Again, multiple variables get in the way of this being a case of who’s on offense and who is on defense. To even the playing field, let us assume that it is a zombie invasion of a local aquarium (this being the most plausible scenario), meaning a small body of water surrounded by land. Now, this is where the variables come into play. For example, we have to take into account…

1. The kind of shark. Now, one would assume that the shark would be your run-of-the-mill shark, big and water-dwelling with fins and fangs and everything. However, there are multiple kinds of sharks we have to consider, and all non-average kinds of sharks give it an advantage. Firstly, it could be a land shark, meaning it would be able to “walk” around on land. While this would make it easier to fight off the zombie, the zombie would also be much more comfortable fighting a humanoid opponent. Secondly, and if this were the case the zombie would be much worse off, it could be a cyber-shark, with instead of fangs, it has missiles, and instead of fins it has jet engines. While this would be totally fucking sweet, it doesn’t seem as likely, unless the owner of the aquarium was a mad scientist, and was expecting the zombie attack, which I’m not saying is impossible, just improbable. However, if this IS the case, I think we can safely assume that the shark would win, but we still need to take into account…

2. The kind of zombie. Again, one would assume the zombie would be your basic, lumbering, slow-moving, “braaaains” type of zombie, and initially it seems like this is the case. However, one must remember that the shark is fighting ONE zombie, not a lot of them. In this case, one can assume that the zombie is at least an “I am Legend” kind of zombie, or, at most, a mechanical super-zombie, perhaps sent by the now-corrupt future government to bring down the insane Dr. Aquarius in his quest to unleash his underwater robot army, forcing the protagonist to choose between two evils, helping a mad terrorist to overthrow the corrupt government, or aiding said government to bring down the one person who might be able to stop them.

With all this being taken into account, we can safely guess that the most exciting scenario is one in which the super-powerful cyborg bio-weapon zombie faces off against the Mechano-Shark 2000. Now, since the shark has jet engines and can fly, it seems to have an obvious advantage, but the super-zombie is much better equipped by the government, so it could go multiple ways…

1. The zombie shoots first, firing a massive bio-bomb into the aquarium.

1a. The shark is able to activate its jet engines in time to fly over the gas cloud resulting from the blast and opens fire at the zombie, rapidly firing missiles out of its mouth. However, the zombie is also equipped for speed and side-steps the missiles, beginning to fire its multiple mini-guns at the shark, the bullets bouncing off of the shark’s titanium armor plating. The shark rams the zombie, and shatters its armor before incinerating it with another missile bombardment. Shark wins.

1b. The shark is unable to activate its engines and chokes to death. Zombie wins.

2. The shark is expecting the attack and flies up into the air, firing more missiles at the zombie.

2a. The zombie side-steps again, and the shark tries to ram it, but the zombie uses its mechanically-enhanced arms to grab the shark by one of its jet engine-fins and toss it against the side of the aquarium before shooting a bio-bomb at it, melting its armor and choking it to death. Zombie wins

2aa. The zombie succeeds in tossing the shark into the aquarium, but the force of the momentum and the fact that its jet engines are still working cause it to crash through it, flying back up into the air. Realizing it is in critical condition, the shark activates its limit break and fires a nuclear missile at the zombie, destroying it. Shark wins.

2aaa. The government was expecting the nuclear missile, and the radiation only makes it stronger, allowing it to easily dispatch the weakened shark. Zombie wins.

Now, I realize it’s unlikely that the government would be expecting a nuclear missile, but keep in mind this zombie itself has some pretty heavy firepower, so they were expecting SOMETHING tough to be living in the aquarium. In the end, it all depends on what the shark’s limit break, because if instead of a nuclear missile it fires a meteor at the zombie, that zombie is screwed. So without information regarding the shark’s limit break, I’m afraid I can’t actually decide on a clear-cut winner.

In any case, I hope my thoughts help you decide on your own outcome, and thank you for reading.


  1. Haha what an imagination. I want to say zombie but.... I think that's just cus they're cooler.

    Also, why is it always zombie vs shark?

    It's like the whole Ninja vs Pirate thing.... but srsly... why is it always Zombie vs Shark?

  2. Shark would make a tsunami and eat zombie!

  3. Love the read man! Your blog is real interseting! Thanks for sharing!

  4. I think the zombie is going to win in the end. He might get eaten, but the shark will eventually turn.